Punk in not dead - Staropramen

Hangover

Greetings from this side of hell…

I have a hangover, for about three days now… For all you “social drinkers”, this is called proper or binge drinking, by the way. And let me educate the kids who think that they get through a hangover by eating something sweet/sour/salty/fishy, drinking milk/soda/marinade, going to sauna, having sex or getting your head bashed in – it doesn’t work. Really, it doesn’t.

So, what works?

I have one word for you, just one word – alcohol. If you have a hangover and you want to feel like a human again, just drink up. It’s a bit past 9AM here in Prague and I’m on my second Staropramen. “Punk is not dead”, apparently. In absolute worst case scenario, cider would work as well. Strongbow has some nice options available. If anyone knows PR guys in either of these companies, ask them to send me some “promotional material” for the shout-out.

But there’s a bigger issue as well. I have been living in a hotel room for past three months – god bless the Mastercard. Now that I’m gainfully employed (turns our there are some Pakistani kids who want EU visas/passports and are willing to pay good money for it), I’m looking for a new home. Two bedroom with a balcony in Prague 1 would be nice. It takes some time to understand what the local real estate listings say, this “2+KK” is still a foreign concept to me. I’m willing to take a shower in order to charm the landlord – that should say something. If you have something to offer, I’d like to hear from you.

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Beer prices in supermarket

Money matters

Oh boy, do I have some wonderful news for you today, dear boys and girls. As it happens, I had some time in my busy schedule of binge drinking and whore-mongering to craft another literary masterpiece for all the world to enjoy. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside…

But back to the real world issues. Prague is a paradise for alcoholics – one doesn’t have to search for proof of that far and wide, just look at the prices. You can get a good beer in supermarket for €0,30 and drinking in bars has never been so cheap. Apparently, Post Office (of all institutions!) has done a proper study and it concluded that Prague is number two on their  cheapest cities to drink list trailing only behind Budapest (sounds like a field-trip idea to me – any takers?). See the Telegraph post for reference.

Anyway, even though it’s dirt cheap to drink here, one still needs money. As I do not feel like offering handjobs on street corners for a bottle of beer (yet!), I thought it would be good for me to  get some gainful employment.

Pros and cons

So, what do I have going on for myself?

Well, I have a reasonably solid foreign ops background, I’ve been around the world and I’m somewhat of a polyglot. Not to brag, but I can hold a conversation in 7 languages. Which doesn’t mean that what I have to say is not full of shit. Sounds good on paper…

…BUT… I’m an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but nonetheless.

NEW BUSINESS IDEA

So, my employment options are somewhat limited. As such, here’s my big idea – the next Facebook if you will. I’m going to sell EU visas, living permits and passports to everyone. No kidding, if you are a Pakistani kid with aspirations to live and work in EU, drop me an email. Chinese girl looking to become an exotic prostitute in Paris? No problem.

One thing everybody learns very quickly by working for the system, it that the system is rigged and if you know what you are doing you can bend the rules like a 50 euro hooker.

So, I’m selling my soul to the devil, or who ever is willing to pay. Can I do it? Sure. Is it legal? Absolutely. Did you know that you can get Czech passport in five years? You need to learn some Czech language though. In some other EU countries, it can take as little as two years, while having a live-in pretend gay boyfriend (not married!) can actually reduce the amount of time needed. These are the laws…

I’m sure some right-wing nationalists would like to spike my cocktails with drain cleaner right about now, but I need the money and frankly, I support the idea of one global nation. By the way, this is not only for the third world countries people either. If you have a US / Canadian / Australian / New Zealand passport, life in the EU is no picnic either. Yes, you can come here visa free, but getting a work permit is completely different story. Basically, you are f****d and not it way you want to get f***d.

So, lets raise our glasses for EU Visas and Passports for Everyone, Inc!

Central train station

Gathering

If you find yourself wondering where TRUE life-artists gather daily in Prague, look no further than the park next to central train station. Absolute Cirque du Soleil with cameo appearances of characters from various literary treasures (think comic books), at least appearance and behavior wise. These are true party animals. Forget your average wannabe hipsters and party girls with daddy’s credit card – these people are in it for the long haul. No lightweights, socially inept or timid ones here.

And this is just the start. In the evening / night time, this idyllic green space transforms itself from picturesque picnic style sit-down to full-out no-holds-barred prostitution superstore – a Walmart of ass, if you will…

Best news of all, this party has no cover fee or ID check.

NB! If you are a tourist and don't understand the irony, please don't go there looking for a legitimate party.

I got laid!

I know, sounds implausible. But if you roam the bars and pubs of Prague with the frequency of a parabolic antenna, it is bound to happen sooner or later.

to the details

I hate to disappoint you, but no, it wasn’t a prison style gang rape and it wasn’t a wild hog or a former East-German hammer thrower either – I’m not licensed to operate heavy machinery.

And no, I didn’t roofie the girl – I know the more jaded of you are staring at the screen right now with bewildered gaze in your eyes, jaw dropped to the ground in utter disbelief, but it was actually consensual sex and she wasn’t even (that) drunk. Goes to show that anything is possible here…

I’m not the one to kiss and tell, but theoretically speaking, getting laid is all about logistics. Any guy who claims otherwise is either lying or stupid. Or doesn’t get laid at all.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Prague Riverview

First things first

Okey, first things first. My name is Drunk (with capital D) and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not your mama or guidance counsel, so don’t expect sound advice from me. I moved recently to Prague and this toilet wall will be a testament to my adventures / mishaps in this lovely city.

That being said, expect literary diarrhea thrown at you with the skill and speed of a supermax inmate. My moral compass has been broken for ten+ years now, so it would be reasonable to assume I’m no longer capable of understanding which way is up.

So, why Prague?

After all the misguided escapades in all the god-forsaken shitholes on 3 different continents, Prague seemed like a nice change of scenery. Think non-existent basic infrastructure in Africa, lack of (or restricted access to) booze and women in Middle East or just plain fucked-up places in Asia.

Considering the availability and quality of Czech beer, above-average looking females, Prague’s metropolitan aura, historic fondness of debauchery and general liberal attitude towards public nudity, prostitution and recreational drug use, I felt that Prague was calling out for me. THIS COULD BE HOME 🙂